Boxing Gloves, Check. Silk Robe, Check.

Standing in the ring, you lower your head and scowl.  Across from you is your arch rival.

There she is. Smiling at the referee.  A scantily clad bean pole. Boasting 86 pounds, with flawless skin, flowing hair and three tiny triangles of fabric covering her as a “swimsuit”, you know you can knock this girl clear across the ring and into the audience.

She has been your enemy for years.  She has fought for your husband’s attention every day.

Every time you go to the mall, she stands in the window at Victoria’s Secret, provocatively laying on the bed with lacey lingerie and a seductive smile.  Whenever you stand at the grocery store checkout, she’s posing innappropriately on the magazine cover.  She is everywhere you turn.

And worse than the thought of what your husband thinks when he sees her, is how you feel when you do.

The voice inside of you whispers, “You’ll never look like that.”

And, “That’s what your husband expects. Why do you even try?”

Or, “If you only had those legs, or those abs, or those breasts, then you would be desirable.”

Despite the fact that the odds favor you in this match up, it looks like her bony butt is kicking yours.

Stop letting her win.

She is not real.

Let that soak in a bit.

She is NOT real.

She has been starved, made up by professionals and photoshopped to perfection.

The truth of the matter is, you should feel sorry for her.  She is seeking the attention and approval of EVERY man, but losing every ounce of respect.  She’ll never be placed on the pedestal that you have been awarded by your husband or boyfriend.

Each person is created beautiful in God’s eyes, the one to whom we are to seek attention. Why seek the conditional attention of a stranger, when we can seek the adoration of our God who loves us unconditionally?

Psalm 139:13 For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.15 My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth.16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them.

I know you’ve heard it before. You are beautiful because God created you. It’s time you start believing it though.

There is beauty in confidence.  Do you remember Pretty Woman?  Here she is a hooker, trying to play the part of a sophisticated woman.  She is fidgety and nervous. She knows that everyone will see right through her masquerade.

But, when she starts believing that she is worth more than that of a prostitute, but rather a person of worth and value, she looks more beautiful than ever to Richard Gear.  She carries herself differently. She glows.  He even comments that, “When you’re not fidgeting, you look very beautiful. And very tall.”

We need to find our confidence in Jesus.  His glow is the one most desired by our men.  What is desirable about a woman who is constantly worrying and complaining that she doesn’t measure up?  After a while, our men will stop arguing the matter and just agree.

Let’s continue our battle.  Best way to suit up is to work on ourselves first.  I know one good whack at her will leave us feeling really good, but we want the total KO.

Step 1

Rid your mind of the lie that you aren’t perfect the way you are. Every woman was crafted as God saw fit.  This isn’t to say we couldn’t all use a healthy diet and exercise to keep our man’s attention, but our beauty is not measured solely on the external.  Place your worth in the identity you have in Christ. You are a princess. Act like it. Live like it.

Step 2

Pray! Renew your mind with the confidence only given by the Holy Spirit.  Ask God to reveal to you his love for you. Ask Him to show you how valuable you are to him. Ask Him to reveal to you the adoration your man has for you.

Step 3

Pray! This isn’t just one step. It’s every step, of every day. Regardless of if you win the battle today, you’ll have days that place you right back in that ring. Don’t give up.  When you see those images that make you feel fat, ugly, and worthless, start praying for the woman you see. Remember the verse in the Bible that talks about praying for your enemies?  We need to remember that these are actually women with real issues.  Her issues are probably bigger than yours!  You will be healed as you pray for her.  Funny how God works that way…

You’ll know you’re ready for this battle when you’ve reached the point that you no longer want to fight her.  You’ll find a peace and strength that reassures you that your worth is not defined by her.  Your beauty and value come from more than your waist and thighs.

You are gorgeous because the God of the Universe crafted you.  How can a perfect being making something imperfect?  It’s not in His character to make something that He doesn’t deem unmarred.

You’ll know you’re ready for this battle when you walk over, place your arm around her and say “You are loved unconditionally by a God that created you special.”

Let me know if you get to that point.  I’d love to see if I can do it with you…

Photo by Bobster885

Will His Sceptor Be Lowered?

I hate him.

He lied to me!

He’s disgusting.

How can I compete with that?

I never want to have sex with him again.

These are thoughts that went through my head when I was trying to cope with the reality of my husband’s porn issues.

My heart felt like it had been ripped out my chest and shredded.  I trusted him.  I gave him my heart and he chucked it for the opportunity to follow a hollow fantasy with some wh@#$ that wanted attention online.

Anger follows the immediate shock after your husband/boyfriend confesses his dirty secret.  I remember leaving the house.  I usually never walk out when we fight, but this was different.  I knew if I stayed, there would be ugly words.  Or I may actually hurt him.

I drove around, stewing. The Lord was working though. As much as I tried to sit and think about how angry I was, I felt that tug.  You know the feeling.  You roll your eyes and shake your head.

“NO! I’m mad! I don’t want to do the right thing, the honorable thing, the Christ-like thing. I won’t forgive him!”

But, sad truth is, you feel convicted that you, yourself are not perfect. You, yourself have no room to point fingers.  You know that you should forgive and move on.

But how can you just let something like that go?  He’ll think it is okay to do that if you forgive him.

This is a lie!  Satan will try his hardest to keep you from forgiving your husband. Satan knows that if you forgive him, that you will actually HELP your husband stop his addiction.

I drove home and went into our bedroom.  I don’t know that I’ve ever cried as hard as I did that night.  The reality set in that Christ’s blood covered all of my sins.

I did nothing to earn the forgiveness He gave.  In fact, he loved me THROUGH my sin.

That night, I fell on my face and pictured the King, seated on a golden throne, whose robe fills an entire temple (Isaiah 6).  I saw myself as the lowly servant, covered in the filth of the daily grind.  I tried to look acceptable, wearing my best dress.  I even pulled my hair back.

But who am I kidding? I can only put on so much perfume to cover the stench. The stench of selfishness, pride and bitterness.

And my best dress would never be suitable for a king, let alone this King.  For some reason, beyond my understanding, He has the mercy to lower his scepter for me to enter.  Before me is the Creator of the Universe.   Perfect.  Holy.  Indescribable.  The Beginning and the End.  Father.

Our master has not only saved us from eternal separation from Him, but he also longs to know us!  He pursues us each day.

“Come!” say the Spirit and the Bride.  Whoever hears, echo, “Come!” Is anyone thirsty? Come! All who will, come and drink, Drink freely of the Water of Life! Revelation 22:17

It doesn’t say, “Come, those who have made good choices and earned salvation.”

Let’s get passed our anger, pride and insecurities. At the end of this life you and your husband will both stand separately before the King on his throne.

Right now, you can decide to stay angry, hold a grudge and withhold forgiveness.  You may feel he deserves it (I know I did).  But who are we to decide who is worthy of forgiveness?

When standing before the Judge, you can show him how you loved your husband, unconditionally, through this, or you can shamefully replay the moments of bitterness and hatred.

All you have is now.  The longer you let the anger simmer within you, the harder it will be to recover your marriage.

If you show your husband the love and forgiveness Christ asks of us, you will see the reward whether in this life or the next.  I feel I’ve already seen the reward in my life. My husband wants (more than ever) to honor me by abstaining from porn.  He’s always hated it – but now he has a wife that forgives him – giving even more reason to honor her.

I won’t lie. I still have moments of anger and hurt. But returning to that place in the throne room is one sure-fire way to remember the forgiveness standard I am held to.

The next post is in regard to inadequacy. Let’s face the anger now and get passed it before we approach the subject of “you vs. them“.

Go get cleaned up. Put on your best dress, pearls included.  Go sit at the throne-room entrance and wait for your signal to enter in.  Then let His presence sweep away the pain.

Photo by Tanya.

Men and Their Boxes

Two-thirds of the divorce lawyers attending a 2002 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers said excessive interest in online porn contributed to more than half of the divorces they handled that year. They also said pornography had an almost non-existent role in divorce just seven or eight years earlier.

Men admitting to accessing pornography at work-20%

Promise Keeper men who viewed pornography in the last week-53%

Christians who said pornography is a major problem in the home-47%

Ladies, the truth is, whether we want to believe it or not, 90% of men deal with the battle of pornography.  Do you find yourself saying this in the back of your mind:

“My guy is above that.”

“He told me he doesn’t do it.”

“He’d never do anything like that.”

I hate to say it, but I told myself the same things.  And guess what? My wonderful man of God was struggling with porn for months.  He felt that he couldn’t tell me because of the hurt he knew it would cause.

I will go into more depth of how I coped with this in later posts. Right now I want to focus on why men view pornography.

Before we can forgive our men and help them recover, we need to see why they get trapped in this time and again.

Many of you have probably either read or heard of the book “Men are Like Waffles, Women are Like Spaghetti.”  The book describes the way men and women think.  The male brain processes a lot differently from women.

Men think on one task, or waffle square, at a time.  When that task is resolved or completed, they are then free to move to the next box/square.

Women, however, process like spaghetti noodles.  Each thought, task and emotion is attached to another thought, task and emotion.  This gives the appearance that women get “emotional about everything” because they actually fire multiple parts of the brain at one time.

Let’s take this analogy a bit further.  Scene A is a male working in his cubicle late at night. Scene B is a female working late in her cubicle at night.

Scene A

John knows it is 6:45.  He knows that the wife and kids are waiting at home, but right now he has to finish this deposition.  If he does not complete it, his boss will pass his position to the fresh-out-of-college-grad that is willing to work for $30k less.

Scene B

Susan knows it is 6:45.  She knows that her husband and children are waiting at home, but right now she has to finish this deposition.  If she doesn’t complete it, her boss will pass her position to the guy that puts in 70 hour work weeks.

Scene A

John ignores his thoughts of home and fear of failure and gets online.  He’s desperately seeking a few popping statistics to finish the conclusion of his presentation.  On the right side of the screen, an attractive woman in a bikini, sitting with her legs apart and a seductive look on her face, appear.  The text below reads “Wanna have some fun?”

Scene B

Susan turns to her computer. She has to get online to find statistics for her presentation.  But she stops. She pictures her little girl crying, as she was last night, because her mommy had missed her ballet recital.  Susan pictured her in the perfect pink tutu, gazing into the crowd for her mom and dad.

Scene A

As he glances to the ad, he’s immediately aroused.  Her body is perfect.  He wants to see more. He wants to know what she’d look like without that bikini on.  He takes a look around the office to see if anyone is there and then quickly clicks on the ad.

Scene B

Susan then imagines what her little girl would be like if her mommy continued to miss the important parts of her life.  Would she stop doing ballet? Would she seek a mother-figure in another woman?  No! This can’t be.  Susan looks around the office to see if anyone is there and begins to cry.

Scene A

John follows the ad to an explicit video.  Captivated by the images and caught up in the moment, he masturbates.  He then shamefully returns to his research.  He finds the first relevant statistic, copies it into his presentation outline and shuts his computer down.

Scene B

Susan sits quietly, tears streaming.  She closes the deposition and opens a fresh document.  From there, she writes her resignation, prints it out and shuts her computer down.

From these two comparisons, we can view the separate thought processes.

John works diligently in his work box.  He is then quickly moved over to his sex box.  He returns to his work box and goes home.

Susan works until her mind carries her to a completely different place.  She is working on her presentation when she thinks about her little girl, then FEELS for her little girl, which lead to a totally different outcome then she set out to do.

Now this is not to say that all men cannot refrain from porn or that all women cannot be in the work place without neglecting their children.  This is simply to show that men and women process differently.

When a male sees an attractive woman, he has the option to step into his sex box, full of fantasy and lustful images, or he can stay in his current box.

The sex box is a big one.  With years of images stored, treasured experiences and a crazy sexual drive, this box is a difficult one to stay out of.  Plus, it’s a fun box.

When a male sees an explicit image, of a woman nearly naked or dressed provocatively, he is practically pushed into that box.  Once inside of the box, no matter how he got there, it is much harder to get out.  He could take the high road, and intentionally get out of the box, but this is not the nature of a man.

It is against his nature to get out of the box. I’ll say it again. It is AGAINST his nature to get out of the box.

This is where addiction comes in.  Men, especially Christian men, hate pornography.  They hate it so much that they deny that they participate in it. They hate it so much they hide it from their wives, thinking that they can conquer it alone.

When they hide it, though, they feel even more guilty.  That guilt overshadows their life, sucking the joy out of many other things.  When they are sad, they feel lonely. When they are lonely, and they see an image that promises “fun” or “pleasure”, that sex box becomes a canyon in their mind, allowing them to slip inside that much EASIER.

While some husbands will forever hide their addiction, my husband made the choice to tell me.  I was so angry. I felt betrayed.  I couldn’t believe it when he told me “it doesn’t mean anything”.

I thought, “How can it not mean anything?!  You practically had sex with another woman!”

Not to men, though. To them, pornography is a physical act of pleasure in their sex box.  They never went into the intimacy box. That box is just for you.

You see, only you can take them into that box of intimacy. The intimacy box releases chemicals in his brain to make him chase after you, serve you and love you.

He doesn’t want to chase those women online. He doesn’t love them. He doesn’t long for intimacy with them.

When I asked my husband to tell me what men want their wives to know, regardless of a sin that they are bound by, this is what he said.

She’s the only girl I want
She’s the only girl I need
She has so much more
She is so much more precious than to deserve this

He said that after he’s viewed pornography, he hates himself.  He said he feels like he has ‘a migraine in his stomach’.

We have got to realize that our men want to stop.  They will need to take the steps necessary to do so, but we must make the decision to love them through it and help them quit.

Our next post will help us deal with our emotions so we can make our hearts right.  Start praying now because this will not be a painless process.

Feel free to offer any additional comments to help other women understand what drives a man to pornography.

Photo by Erik

Lace Up Your Shoes. It’s Time for Battle.

Porn.  It’s a dirty word that lurks in your mind.  You try to push it out – or ignore it if it comes up in conversation.

Anytime you hear it, a rock forms in your throat.  The unmistakeable feeling of inadequacy floods in, along with the miriad of thoughts you’ve built up in your mind throughout your relationship with your guy.

Have you ever wondered if your spouse views porn? Maybe you’ve heard about the grip it holds on men and wondered to yourself about his participation in the act.  Or, perhaps your husband came clean about the painful addiction.

Whether or not you’ve realized it, pornography is a very real temptation for nearly every man.  This blog is a place for women to come to know the truth about the power of porn on a man, and consequently, on women, both single and married.

Regardless of your past experience with the matter, we are here to address the issue together.  Our prayer is that God will help us rid our marriages of all aspects of porn.

This addiction can infiltrate our relationships through the tiniest sliver of darkness, growing into a detrimental canyon, forcing trust, love and affection off the ledge and into the pit of broken marriages.

This is a place to come understand, cope and heal from the effects of pornography in relationships.  Having dealt with the issue in my own marriage, I know firsthand the pain, hate and danger that traipse in alongside the infamous deed.

We would like to lay a very important ground rule though.

Please do not reveal your name or your husband’s name. This issue is very sensitive, both to your marriage, and your spouse.  Revealing your identity in turn reveals your spouse.

We need to respect our husband’s desire to change his act; if he cannot trust us to avoid gossip, why would he feel he could use us a tool for change?

While we want transparency and truth, we want to aid our husband, not bring him down.  With this, we request that you use a fake name.

Prayer and private counseling is available to any and all that request it.

As we start this journey, we acknowledge that it will be hard.  Plagued by the enemy’s forces, we are in the midst of a war.  There is no doubt that you will be tempted to act wounded and crippled.

However, equipped with prayer and His word, you have the opportunity to fight.  This battle is for your husband.  This battle is for the other part of you.

No battle should be fought alone.  Ladies, let’s join forces to rid our marriages of porn.